It’s a deep grief, and one that so often goes unspoken. But when a friend tells you that she has suffered a miscarriage or stillbirth, what can you do to help?

We turned to Abbe Feder, who in 2019 helped us create our Infertility/Pregnancy Loss Box...which is the least notable thing on her resume. She and her husband Isaac are behind the Audible original podcast Maculate Conception and she helps women navigate their own fertility journeys as a coach with InCircle Fertility. She's also just rad and tells it like it is. Here’s the advice she had to offer:

Send flowers. Some feel sending them after miscarriage is like a funeral, but they’re always, and I mean always, a sign someone is with you in your heart, thinking of you...so I say YAY for those.

Bring baked goods. Food of all kinds. Don’t say “let me know if I can make you dinner...” Text and say "I’m ordering you dinner tonight. What are your favorite places?" Take all responsibility off the person hurting. If you live nearby, drop off cookies. We know everyone has dietary concerns. Put them out the window. Showing up is about SHOWING UP. Literally

Show up, demand nothing in return. Know that all I may want is nothing. Text anyway. Call anyway. Tell me you’re with me in heart and spirit and you know I may not feel like texting or calling back but that’s OK.

Offer to go on a walk with me. Give me three times that work instead of leaving it to me. I don’t know the actual science but a walk just helps everything. When going through something hard it can be tough to motivate to do it on your own, so setting a date is like an accountability of sorts. And want to or not, when that date arrives a walk will be helpful.

Send a Rainy Day Box. Here’s what some of the customers who have purchased one of our Pregnancy Loss/Infertility Boxes for a friend had to say about why they bought it and how it was received:

• She was grieving and I wanted to acknowledge her pain and suffering. I also love the idea of multiple items to open at different times. I’m a therapist, and I think that concept can be very healing and promote a helpful grieving process when those natural emotions come up.

• It was personal and loving without being invasive or too much. The concept is a beautiful idea and I love it so much!

• She was so touched! She said the box really did help her feel seen, and supported through her grief.

• She absolutely loved it and said it helped give her hope about getting through the pain of her loss.